Trust

Throughout my adulthood, I’ve always been able to navigate the crazy things that have happened in my life. Several people at random times have commented that I seemed to just always make it work. For the past few years, however, that really has not been the case whatsoever. I used to have a certain trust that things would shake out, and I lost it. It’s been disheartening, eye-opening, thought-provoking, and traumatic.

I’ve researched why my body feels like it’s been run over, twisted, and crumpled up. Why my right hand won’t heal from an injury sustained months ago. Why my thighs get so tight that I can no longer sit down for the rest of the day. Why I’ve been plagued with migraines from early adolescence. Turns out, I’m no good with stress.

Huh.

Imagine that.

My family has been through some intense trials, one of the outcomes being my child’s diagnosis of depression. Seeing his transformation from happy, playful, and loving to self-loathing and destruction was so crushing – and made me so very aware of my own teenage issues. Issues that I didn’t realize weren’t necessarily the normal teenage brain. My stored up emotion seems to have started boiling over uncontrollably. So much so that I haven’t been able to find my “voice” very much to write about anything at all.

I know I can’t stay boxed up, it’s frightfully painful. I breathe more deeply, slow down when I need to, take breaks when slowing down isn’t enough. I’ve also taken up a new interest in the religion of my youth. I think I’m starting to see where trust lies and why it was lost to me for so long.

Whether you consider the Bible to be fact or fiction, it has stood the test of time. Towards the very beginning, there’s a spot where Adam & Eve lose their trust. They suddenly allow someone else to give them a different impression of the events, and it ruins their relationship with God and gets them kicked out of Paradise. It’s a more powerful story than I used to think. A compelling argument to Believe in Something Greater, the Universe, Source, or whatever you may name it.

It’s a decision, really. A decision to rely on my internal compass. Through each deeply dark valley of my life, there has been a path carved for me. I just needed to listen very closely and watch for pitfalls. I feel like if I’m ever going to get back to some sense of “normal”, where I’m not googling “my nerves are shot”, is to decide to Trust again.

Some days I feel like this decision is really hard to make. Other days I can see the path and it’s glowing and I’m ready to take on the world. All I know is that every day I decide to Trust is a day that isn’t so heavy for me. It’s a burden I can lay down while I stretch my overly tense muscles and get back to my world. I can look out the window and see beauty, then run out to join in it.

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