The Melancholy of Despair

“While one may encounter many defeats, one must not be defeated.”
– Maya Angelou

Anxiety grips through to my heart and twists. My breath catches in my throat, unable to surmount the lump that has formed within. I try again, and each hitch slowly brings air that feels stale somehow, left behind by time itself. As I am now.

A warm tear escapes my eye and grows cold. In exhale, I am smaller still than when this episode began. I cannot look up. I can only cast my eyes into the shadows of my thoughts. The Earth, though vast, will not yield a hole into which I can crawl and hide away. She sees me, sees my pain, yet will not allow it.

I touch my forearm mindlessly. I remember each slice of skin, each attempt to atone, to escape, to feel, to center on something besides my ineptitude. The need beckons me again, as if she were a friend waiting in the darkness but not letting on that her ways do not grant absolution. They only amplify the offense.

I must choose. Will I learn, or will I fall again? If I fall again, and again, and yet again, will I rise up or allow the darkness to fold over me? If I learn this lesson and the next one is harder still, will I back down or persevere? Will I cower in silence and tears, or will I challenge myself to overcome? Every day I must choose.

“Pain is certain, suffering is optional.” – Buddha

I think I am beginning to learn. Each failure is a lesson. Each misstep is an opportunity for course correction, rather than a reason to shrink myself into the background. Every interaction in life is a guidepost for the soul, albeit sometimes more difficult to read. In scary movies, I yell at the characters not to take the darkened path full of shadowy elms with wicked branches that reach out towards the path. Why would I then choose that path for myself?

“Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!”

– Leonardo da Vinci

Open my eyes, indeed. I will throw off this veil of disillusion. The Earth denied my hiding place because I must not hide. I must face each step and choose my path well. I will stumble. I will fall again. I will also rise back up, more times than I’ll be able to count. I will learn, with eyes open and watching the guideposts.

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