I wrote a post recently where I let myself be a bit vulnerable and tried to describe a little of what was going on in my world. Someone close to me wrote me saying “I always think you are feeling fabulous and having a constant good time at your house.” Another friend commented, “You’re always so strong, this isn’t like you.”
These are my bricks. My defenses. My shelter from the storm that’s been raging on inside with no means of escape for years.
Make no mistake, I am still strong. I am still fabulous 😉
Through the past few years I have begun to redefine myself, my spirituality, and my time on this Earth. This path has dredged memories up from the deepest, murkiest locations of my being. I have found myself to be more easily unnerved and anxious with this newfound outlook on life. I have found myself stricken with body-heaving sobs and hyperventilation, thrown down by migraines and tension so great that it caused my left hip to try to go live up by my rib cage (thank goodness the hubs was able to convince said hip to return to its proper location).
This absolute mess of a year we’re having has caused cannonballs of emotion pounding away at my once-thought impenetrable brick wall. There are cracks, sections are missing, emotions are flooding in and it’s every woman for herself. That sounds like a shipwreck, sounds so negative… but here I am… I’m Here For Myself.
‘”Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?”
-Charles Bukowski
I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
I’m relearning who I was and who I am. For the first time I’m staring myself in the face and looking myself over. I love who I am, who I’ve become, who I’m becoming. I want to pour that love out to the world, but I can only spare a small amount because I’m in need of the rest. I need to make sure my family can feel it, and my friends – but myself first.
I’m hoping these posts pour a little love from me to you – and I’m so friggin’ grateful that you’re even reading this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think I’m coming up on two years now.
We’ve come upon an unparalleled time that I hope means we must stop our blindness and complacency. We’re on the cusp of a revolution that’s scary and amazing and necessary, but it doesn’t just mean a change to exterior forces… It means a look inside each one of us, as well.
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Encounter Soul 
Andie,
I wonder if we all go through what you’re experiencing at some point or another. It’s like one day I had it under control and the next day the floor was ripped out from under me. I’ve been on hiatus since early February and now through the end of May because I needed the break. I started my blog back up on June 1. I wasn’t planning on taking that much time off from my blog, but I was just exhausted from too much for too many years and it just took longer to heal than I expected. There’s still too much going on (always), but I’m really leaning on that Serenity Prayer to help me figure stuff out and not worry about it. I’m finding I have to turn away from more and more or I’m going to be in serious trouble from a health standpoint. I really listen to what my body’s telling me now. I found that it’s amazing how much others are willing to do when I step aside. I haven’t abandoned them or my responsibilities, but we have four adults in our house at present and six pets. I just needed to stop being the only one willing to cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, deal with the animals, etc. Plus, I’m trying to get my writing career going. Before I was doing all of the above, plus working, plus getting my master’s. It got to the point where I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t function. It’s no wonder that my body just stopped working. I can’t imagine how you keep it together with all you do and with so many under your roof, but a great big hug to you! I hope you let your family spend a few days taking care of you for a change (if possible.) You deserve it. So glad you wrote this. I think this is important for everyone to understand! Please take care of you! Also, I love David Gilmour and Pink Floyd! I find Gilmour’s voice to be so soothing and he’s always been easy on the eyes! There’s a youtube video of him entitled “David Gilmour Hot, Hot, Hot” that you can find on You Tube of him in his 20’s speaking French. I mean, if that’s helpful. I have no idea what he says, but that’s besides the point! 😉 Mona
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Mona, thank you so much for that response! And for the video recommendation – WHEW I don’t care WHAT language he’s speaking in! Wow 🙂
Yes, i agree we definitely all go through this. I was just telling my teenager that every human out there believes negative things about themselves, is down on themselves for one thing or another – or many. It’s funny-strange-frustrating to watch your own angst in your children & not be able to completely reassure them that this, too, shall pass.
I’m so glad to took time for yourself to heal. I’ve missed seeing your posts, though! I’m so blessed to have a hubby that takes on lots of heavy lifting around here – and an amazing chef. We just have different strengths, so I can sometimes feel like if I relax and let go, that something will slip unnoticed (as happened this morning :0) I try to relax anyway, every chance I get haha!
Take care of you, Andie
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I truly hope we see some changes, it’s been a long time coming.
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